Humpty dumpty sat on a wall, humpty dumpty had a great fall, all the kings horses and the kings men couldn't put humpty back together again.

Anyone ever think about that little nursery rhyme? Why was humpty dumpty sitting on the wall to begin with? Was he high? Was he depressed? Had Mrs. Dumpty just dumped him (no pun intended)? Was he some sort of high up official in the kingdom? He must have been, I mean why else would the king have sent ALL his horses and ALL his men? Was he already cracked to begin with? By cracked I could mean so many things...

So, I hereby give you the true story of Humpty Dumpty.

Once upon a time, there was a large egg/man thing walking up a twisted path. He was swinging a bottle of rum by his very thin arms (arms contrasting with his overly rotund body). He wasn't a pirate (ya know because of the rum, ayy matey's). He was the court scribe, on his way home from a very long, very late, palace party. Over the last month or so he had been depressed because Mrs. Dumpty, otherwise known as Felicia Dumpty, was pregnant. Now, it is not very commonly known, but I will tell you that court scribes are not in the upper echelon of society, meaning they don't make any money.

Felicia and Mr. Dumpty (whose name was Harry) had no money saved up because basically they were incapable of saving money. Felicia and Harry had just bought a house. Not a big house, but something they owned and could live in. It was better than being in debt to the king all the time. Before they had their house, Felicia and Harry Dumpty lived in a one room apartment overlooking the palace. They were happy, but the king was over charging them, and they knew it. So, in short they bought a tiny house. Halfway through unpacking their worldly possessions, Felicia sat Harry down on a box (he wobbled a bit, since he did have a similar shape to a weeble) and said, "Harry, I'm pregnant, we're going to have a little omelet in a year." I can't tell you why, but egg people have an extremely long gestation period. I also can't tell you why little egg people come out as omelets.

Anyway, after Felicia had told Harry about their little omelet in the oven, he started having a drinking problem. He couldn't figure out how he was going to pay for the little omelet. In a few years it was going to be sunny side up, then soft boiled, then hard boiled, then it was just going to keep growing until it was reached his size. He didn't know if he was ready for the responsibility. He also didn't think Felicia was going to want to get a job, which would really help with the money.

So, he was at this palace party. It had been going on for a long time and he was quite drunk. The king had basically told him to go home and dry out. So, he snuck a bottle of rum out and took it with him. He was walking up this long twisted road swinging his bottle of alcohol and basically swimming in misery. He came upon this wall and decided to sit down for a while before he went home. He didn't want to seem too drunk to his wife. So he was sitting up there singing a song ( de camptown races sing this song, doo da, doo da...), when he began to feel a bit wobbly. I know I likened Harry to a weeble before, but the fun with weebles is that they wobble but they don't fall down. Harry however, was an egg. He did fall down, and he cracked. He was already miserable, so he just lay there in the dusk. He didn't call out for anyone, he didn't think of trying to get home, he just lay there and watched the sun slowly coming up.

Now, I'm sure you have all heard the saying, that an egg will cook on cement. Well, that is in fact what happens. Harry was frying on the cement. His innards were cooking. Some kid was walking by and he smelled something, something good. He thought it smelled like eggs. Hmm... He walked over to the wall to investigate. He found Harry lying there and immediately called the palace. All the kings horses and all the kings men came down from the palace and tried to put Harry together again, but, as you know, they couldn't. The king himself called Felicia, and she came down. She said, "Harry, what are you doing!? We are having an omelet, you are not allowed to fall apart now." Harry sat up and said, "Why Felicia? At least if I fry here on the sidewalk then you'll get the insurance policy. You and the omelet will be able to live in comfort." Felicia thought about it for a while. Then she said, "You're right Harry, we might have more money if you fried here, but the omelet wouldn't have his father."

And with that, Harry stopped feeling sorry for himself, pulled himself together, grabbed pieces of his shell, lying around, and got up. He and Felicia went home together, had their omelet, and lived together, not always happily, but together.

So that is the true story of Humpty Dumpty. All the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't put humpty together again, but, his loving wife, Felicia was able to do it. They lived a long mostly happy life together, until their expiration date expired. All you have to remember about Harry is that even when the most powerful man in the world couldn't save him, the love of his wife, his life partner, was able to pull him back together.

And that is what you never knew about Humpty dumpty.