WARNING: this is a mandatory yearly retrospective.

(you have been warned....)

This year has not been the best or the worst of times.  I'm tempted to say it passed without incident, but not even my life is that boring.  From last December to this December I have been married happily to the man I am still happy to say is the love of my life.  One year down, woo!  Not that I'm counting in misery, just to make that clear.  People keep asking me how married life is.  My general response is that if it's the right person, it's great.  I have the right person.  It's grrreat!  I was watching Everybody Loves Raymond the other day.  It's an episode where Ray has to sit around for hours waiting for a delivery guy to drop off Debra's curtains.  He was aggravated.  His brother Robert came in and he started joking about marriage.  The end result was that Robert broke up with his girlfriend. As the family is crowding around Ray trying to make him fix what he had broken he tells Robert what marriage is.

"Ray: No! I got this! Look, you want to know what marriage is really like? Fine. You wake up- she's there. You come back from work- she's there. You fall asleep- she's there. You eat dinner- she's there. You know? I mean, I know that sounds like a bad thing. But, it's not." (The Lone Barone)

I know it's not the most romantic quote in the world, but... it is, and it's true.  I want to be with my husband all the time.  I like that he's always there.  I feel secure in that.  I like knowing that when I wake up I'm not alone, even if he's at work.  I don't know if marriage is specifically required for this feeling.  I think that if you are living with somebody you can get that too.  Marriage itself is not the point, the commitment is.

Anyway, this year is also the year that I gave up on the idea of being a high school teacher.  It's funny, when I was studying for my MA in education my mother kept asking me if I was sure I wanted to do it. "Mira, it's horrible, why do it?'  Now that I'm not studying for that degree anymore she keeps trying to make me go back.  I have a new plan.  I plan to get a MA in creative writing and hopefully from there get a PhD.  I'd like to teach college courses, run discussions on my student's writing.  I'd also like to work with my husband, so hopefully we'll be able to open a business together in the next 5 years or so.

This was also the year of the Rhiow (our cat).  She has become so cute in the last few months.  Not that her physical appearance has changed, she's always been beautiful.  She's just starting to act more like a cat and less like a kitten.  She's still ridiculously full of energy, but she's starting to calm down enough to be able to sit still for five minutes at a time.  We see the beginnings of a lap cat in the making.  We had both forgotten about this stage and how cute it is.  We're appreciating her in a whole new way.  When I say we, I'm including our other two cats as well.  Danny's happy she stays still long enough to lick (sometimes) and Patchouli is... well I don't really know what Patchouli is.  She seems okay with it though.

This is also the year of resuming lost friendships.  Once lost it's hard to say how long they will stay found, but it seems hopeful.  Friends are an important thing.  Don't lose them.  Family is not a choice, but friends are, pick wisely.

This is also the year my husband earned his professional license.  I am so proud of him.  Hey if you need an apartment or house, call Noam Goldhammer!

As the year comes to a close I can safely say I am ready to leave it behind to see what life has in store for me this coming year.  Welcome to 2016!  Happy New Year!!!

I realized that I need to get back into writing.  Not that I ever got out exactly, but I haven't been as prolific as maybe I should have.  After all, words are our salvation.  Words are our true explanations, our true feelings (at the point they were written), our creativity, our humanity.  Self expression is a mightily important part of who we are.  My medium is words.  What is yours?



Story line:
There's been a theft at the Met.  A sarcophagus containing the mummified remains of Bastet was taken.  Why?  Who took it?  Meanwhile, Princess Meowlanie was catnapped on the same evening. Coincidence?  Was she part of the theft or innocent bystander?
Investigator:  Danny J. Private Eye, recovering catnip addict, knows the seedy side of town, used to be involved with selfish Princess Meowlanie (she's still an addict).  He has to solve the crime, find the mummy and Meowlanie.  I hope nobody gets in his way.

I know it's not Shakespeare, but hey, I like cats.  Now I just have to write the story.

Again, I must apologize for my infrequent posts.  I have only posted two things for the whole year!  I will properly chastise myself.

So, it's almost Halloween.  Last Halloween I was in Maspeth with my lawyer and husband.  I hope this year we can be somewhere, anywhere, a little bit more festive.  Although, while waiting for the lawyer to fill out paperwork, we went to eat pizza, and walking around town showed us some very interesting costumed children, and quite interesting costumed adults!  There were a lot of zombies, and Elsa's, a few Ninja Turtles, and definitely some monsters.

This year I wanted to have a party.  It's still not definitely out of the question, but time is running out.  Halloween is on Saturday.  That won't happen again for five years.  My plan was invite people over, make them dress up in some way, hand out candy to my buildings trick-or-treaters, and watch some slightly Halloween themed movie with a drinking game of some sort.  I don't like horror movies.  The ones I have seen I find funny, not scary, and I refuse to watch movies like the Saw series.  I find the concept of scaring myself silly, well... silly.  I wanted to decorate my apartment with... skeletons, dress up my black cat as the devil, and serve a blood cocktail (vodka cranberry).  Somehow I don't see this happening.

Which movie would you watch?

What movie would you rather watch on Halloween?

Ghost

The Sixth Sense

Green Card

The Wizard of Oz

Poll Maker

Anyway, what are your plans for Halloween?

To the Man I love:

I want to thank you for everything you have done for me since we've met.  You are kind, supportive, and loving on a regular basis.  If I'm upset or angry, all I need to do is see your face to calm down.  You understand me in a way I never thought was possible.  When I was in the hospital you brought me a stuffed puppy and a pillow (something the hospital oddly didn't provide) without me expecting anything or asking you for anything.  Except for that brief stop over at home to feed the cats, you didn't leave my side.  You stayed in my bed with me all night, not sleeping, but being there for me.  I cannot express how grateful I am to have you by my side, to have you in my life, to have you loving me.  I saw how my pain upset you and I saw how anxious you were about my health.  I am overwhelmed by your love, grateful and humbled by it.

You are more than I could have ever dreamed of.  Not only are you my partner in life, but my friend.  I know now how special that is.

Thank you Noam.  Thank you for everything.  I love you.

This year has seen a lot of changes in my life.  In no particular order: my divorce went through, I went back to school, I fell in love, I took time off from school, I moved in with the man of my dreams, and oh yes, we got married.  Life is not easy, but when you find someone compatible to share yourself with, it certainly makes daily life easier.

This has also been the year when friends drifted away.  They're still there, but everyone is off doing their own thing, mostly with their significant others.  It happens.  Your good friends will always be there for you if you need them, but their importance in your life changes.  Notice that I didn't say the need for friendship diminishes, but it changes.  As you get older you realize that while once seeing your friends everyday was the most important thing in your life, now you know they are there for you without having to see or speak to them everyday.  People are busy working, and supporting themselves.  We aren't kids anymore.  We can't spend the days walking around the city, or going to Starbucks, at least not for hours on end.

I like how the stages of life go.  As kids, our parents arrange play dates for us, force friendship upon us whether we like it or not.  As tweens and teens we are obsessed with our friends, seeing them in school, after school, on the weekends, basically as much as we can.  As young adults our friends are our support system.  We're dating in a more serious way, looking for that "special someone."  Our friends are there through all the up and downs, the heartbreak and the drama that goes along with it.  When the storm clears, and you're still standing, thank your friends for putting up with you.  As slightly more mature adults we get into our niche.  We find the career path we want, we find the person we wan to be with, we find our responsibility.  Our circle of friends changes.  While our high school and college friends are still there, we meet new people at work.  We have work friends, and co-workers.  Amazingly, more often than not, they become our core people.  You might have had more serious discussions with your old friends, might have had more bonding time, gone through more pain and sacrifice with them, but your new friends understand what you do for nine hours a day.  They understand what you're talking about when you complain about work or your boss.  You have more to share with them.  As you get older and closer to retirement (yes, I know I skipped mid life), your friends become more important in your life again.  Your days are no longer filled with work, instead you go back to leaning on your friends, seeing them as much as you can, hanging out for hours at a time, going to the city.  They're there for you as you get older, as your circle becomes smaller, maybe when you lose that person that's become your partner.

I guess my point is that we need to keep our friends close.  The cycle of life happens and their role in your life changes as time goes on, but you will always need them to be there for you.

Anyway, I'm done with my tangent.  I look forward to seeing what this year brings.  Hopefully, it brings good things.  Happy New Year!

To say that I have moved on would be an understatement.  In the last year I have learned that I am allowed to be happy.  Previously, I was content with being mediocre at best, angry at the worst, and with a whole lot of annoyed in the middle.  I thought I was in love, I think maybe we really were a long time ago.  It's hard for me to remember the good times because of the way things ended.  We never had anything in common.  I didn't think it mattered as long as we had similar outlooks on life.  I still think that's true.  It turns out that we didn't have that though.  We looked at the world in different ways, saw marriage differently.  You wanted unconditional support and ministrations to your ego, but didn't like how I went about offering you that solace.  I thought that marriage was about communication, trust, and sharing.  You might have thought the same thing, I don't know, but you certainly didn't communicate, trust, or share with me.  In hindsight I could have been more forthcoming as well.  I thought we had a good relationship, thought that fighting all the time was normal, fighting about the same things over and over again was part of being in a relationship.  I thought that being part of a couple meant staying with that person, working on a relationship, always working.  I still think people should work on their relationships.

However, there comes a time when you're just fighting for the sake of fighting, because you're used to it or because you think you have to.  Not that I could ever fight with you properly anyway, I was too busy walking on eggshells.  I never said half of the things that I could have, maybe should have.  I knew that there was an invisible line that I couldn't cross, that if I stepped over it, you would be gone.  I was terrified, not of being alone, but of not being with you.  You see, with all the problems we had, I loved you.  I find it hard to remember the reasons for the love, where the love stemmed from, but I do remember the feeling.  The feeling of panic I felt when I thought you would disappear forever.  At heart, I am a nurturer.  If you have a problem I want to fix it.  That was too much of the relationship, and that's my fault.  I should have said something, or said something louder.  It's easy to become comfortable not being happy.  It's much harder to give up what you have and start all over again.  So, I want to say thank you.  You made me realize what we had was not working and that it was time to move on.  You made me realize that maybe fighting for the sake of itself wasn't good enough anymore.  Because of you, I am happy with who I am, what I'm doing, and who I'm with.  You made me change my life path and I will always be grateful for that.  You've also changed your own path and I hope you have made it something that you truly love.  I am allowed to be happy.  However angry I am/was with you, I give you my blessing.  Be happy.

I have not posted anything in a while.  It's not because there isn't anything going on in my life, but because I choose to post only when I have something to get off my chest and have something to say which is blog world appropriate.  I know the ambiguity of a blog is supposed to ensure that one can say anything they damn well please, but... really, this is the modern age full of social media.  I would not post anything on here that I do not feel comfortable sharing with my friends and family, not to mention a perspective employer.  I always post my blog to my facebook, so they aren't exactly...  You get my point.

I just watched an episode of "GIRLS" in which the four main girls go on a trip to the Hamptons.  I consider this episode a study in friendship.  The characters have been drifting apart since last season and this episode pretty much brought everything to a head.  I think it's interesting because as life progresses, these things just happen.  We go through periods in which our friends are the most important things in our lives, but eventually, they always drift.  It's not usually a conscious decision, but it's life, it happens.  Sometimes, we are so wrapped up in our relationships that we take our friends for granted.  Sometimes, we are so busy that we just don't have time to get together with our old friends.  Sometimes, it's not our fault at all.

The meaning of a friend (according to google): a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.

The above might be the strict definition of a friend, but we can all add our own addendum to this.  A friend is someone who holds our hair back when we are throwing up, a friend is someone who does not judge us, a friend is someone who does not stop talking to you for some arbitrary, imagined slight.  At least to me, a friendship is not made up of a bunch of rules that one has to follow to keep the other person happy.  A friendship is about mutual understanding, respect, honesty, and communication.  The basis for any relationship should be a friendship, so is it any wonder that they should have the same rules?

My biggest problem in friendships, or relationships in general, is communication.  I am not saying that I cannot express myself, I am saying that I sometimes leave communication to the other party.  If someone doesn't contact me for a while I think it's because they're busy and will contact me when they're free.  I have always been like that, and I think my friends pretty much know that.  I've been (or I think I've been) a little better about it in the past couple of years, but who knows, perception is in the eye of the beholder.

Anyway, to get back to my point of drifting...  If your friends are important to you, don't let it happen.  In the same context though, people change.  People grow apart.  Sometimes it's less painful to accept that rather than to prolong something that just isn't working anymore.  I'm reminded of an episode of "Fraiser."  The character of Woody came to Seattle and ran into Fraiser.  They spent a night catching up on old times, but realized that was all they had.  They didn't have a basis to sustain a friendship in their current lives.  It's sad when that happens, but it does happen.

Keep your friends close, keep them relevant in your lives.  Is it really so hard to get together with someone?  Make the time if the person is important to you.  Maybe try to remember why the person was important in your life to begin with.

Here endenth the rant.

I might be a bit late, but... Happy New Year!  Welcome to 2014 where so far, there's been a lot of cold days and snow.  Maybe that's not actually indicative of the year so much as the winter.

Anyhoo (when's the last time you heard a good 'anyhoo'?), I'm sitting in a very cold room right now trying to figure out why I'm awake.  I know the basics, I was woken up (thanks dude!), but why I'm still awake?  That is the better question.  In May 2010 I graduated from college with a BA in English.  I took the long road.  If I had stayed on track, not taken any time off, and had been a full time student (while working) throughout my college career I would have graduated in 2007.  I don't regret my decisions.  I don't mind that it took me a little longer to figure out what I wanted to do.  I had a good (not wild) college experience.  If I had it to do over again though I probably would have done a few things differently.  I probably would have gone away for school.  I would have at least given it a shot.  If I had done that, I still probably wouldn't have graduated until 2008 (I still would have taken time off before starting school), but that's a whole two years I would have been ahead of myself now.  I also would have taken the opportunity I was given to minor in business.  I was invited to join the BALA program at Queens College, but since it would have extended my schooling for maybe a year, I declined to act on the invitation.  I should have just done it.

Since 2010, I have worked in both a full time and a part time job.  If you follow my blog, you know that my full time position was in the Diamond District.  That job confirmed something I already knew.  I can't stand the business world.  People are nasty.  People are dishonest.  People are ruthless.  I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, I'm not even saying that I wouldn't want to open a business some day.  I do know that I cannot fathom the idea of working in a 9-5 job in a cubicle or a small office shuffling papers all day.  I don't have the constitution for it.  I was miserable the whole year I worked in that office.  Yes, part of the problem was that it was THAT office.  However, I really can't see myself happily working as a paper pusher in any office environment.

My part time job taught brought me back to myself.  I am a teacher at heart.  I like imparting knowledge.  Starting Monday I am returning to school for a Post Baccalaureate program.  I'm going to get my MA in Education.  Or MSED.  While I was able to take my time for my BA program, I cannot do the same thing now.  There is a schedule.  I have to follow it.  I am taking three courses this semester, because I have to take those three courses.  Along with the courses I have to do 30 hours of observation for each of those classes.  That's 90 hours.  It's spread throughout the term I assume, I guess I'll find out on Monday, but to me that's still a lot of hours, along with the hours of the classes, not to mention studying.  I think I'm just at that age where I am not quite too old for this stuff.

At the end of the year, a lot of work, I'm sure a lot of stress, if all goes well I'll have my initial certification.  That means that while I'll still be taking classes, probably for another year and a half (I hope not more) I can teach.  Whether I can find a job or not is another story.  What I think about the education system in NY is another thing as well.  What I'm looking forward to is having a steady schedule, a steady job, a steady way of supporting myself.  I'm looking forward to knowing what to expect from my life (to some degree).

It all starts Monday.

I find myself wishing that I had the opportunity to know my grandparents as people, and not just as my grandparents.  What would I have thought of, or they of me?  I find myself wishing that I had known my grandfather's as younger men.  They were both interested in photography, they both printed their own pictures, something I love to do and wish I had more opportunity to do.  Is there anything else that have in common?  What were their regrets, their dreams, their wishes?

I'm not a person who asks questions of others, I wait until I'm given information.  I figure that if someone isn't telling me something it's because they don't want to.  So, I'm asking.  Is there anything anybody wants to tell me?

When everything's good
the world seems like a quiet place
it seems like nothing can stop you
nothing can keep you down.

When everything's good
the world seems like a pearl
sitting on the tongue of an oyster
where nothing can touch it.

When everything's good
the world seems like a leaf
floating lazily through the air
until is drops peacefully.

When everything's good
the world seems like a snowflake
cold, perfect, unique
coming together to form a whole.

When everything's good
the world seems like a quiet place
it seems like nothing can stop you
nothing can keep you down.

I miss you.
I miss you telling me to make pro/con lists for everything
I miss making you tea
I miss your shabbat dinners and helping you make them
I miss the way you made me laugh
I miss the exercises that we did
I miss taking walks around Holliswood collecting leaves
I miss the soap in your bathroom
I miss your smile and your scatterbrained wit
I miss putting your earrings on for you
I miss always having to look for your glasses
I miss watching Murder She Wrote with you, and how into it you got
I miss the way you loved me so much
I miss you knowing who I was...

Mostly, I just miss you.  I wish you knew me as an adult.  I wish you were around to give me advice about life, about love.  I love you so much.

Is there such thing as decency anymore?  The common courtesy of telling the truth, no matter how painful, is becoming a thing of the past.  I'm not talking about white lies (i.e. "do I look fat in this?)  I'm talking about lies that effect another person.  From my perspective as a woman, I notice men lie a lot, as much as they think they can get away with.  I'm sure from a man's perspective it's women who do a lot of lying.  Therefore, it must mean that lies are part of human nature.  Is that a good thing?  No.  Is is inevitable, probably.

Technology and social media in specific, is something that is involved in in all our lives.  It makes getting away with lies much more difficult and makes getting caught that much easier.  My question is: Why bother?  If there is something that you don't want to do, instead of lying about it, just say, "no thank you."  In the long run, it's so much better for everyone concerned to just tell the truth.  We spend so much energy coming up with excuses for things we don't want to do...  Fuck it.

I'm not going to sit here and try to convince people that I've never uttered a lie.  That would be bullshit. However, I think that I've been lied to so much in the past year or so that I'm becoming a great lie detector.  I guess there are ups to this.  I will find it much easier to know when I myself should be lying and when I should be honest because I'll know what it being dished out to me.  I gotta say though, getting this experience, it doesn't feel great.

Applications being accepted for: honest, good, down to earth people.  Anybody qualify?

As I go through my life there is something I really have to remember, and not to just remember it, but to take it seriously.  I have value.

It seems like a silly thing to think.  Of course, I have value.  People are an amalgam of their experiences and as such should be valued, we all have something different to contribute.  We should learn from our mistakes in an effort not to repeat them again.  However, in doing so we cannot lose sight of ourselves.  For instance, I have a pair of wedges (yes, I'm talking about shoes) that are pretty comfortable.  However, both times I wore them and then had a couple of drinks, I tripped and fell.  I have learned that maybe it's not such a good idea to wear these shoes when there is a possibility that I might have a cocktail or two.  Lesson learned (although it did take two tries).

I was on an interview a couple of weeks ago and a question was posed to me:  Have you ever made a mistake and what did you do about it?  I'm not going to go into the typical interview answer.  Of course I've made mistakes in my life, in both my professional and private life.  It's what we do about these mistakes that tells us who and what we are.  If you go through life thinking you're perfect, among other things like being delusional, you are also just short changing yourself.  You aren't giving yourself the ability to grow or learn from your experiences.

In the past two years I went from working part time in a job I loved, to working full time in a job I could not stand, to going back to working part time at the job I loved.  I went from being engaged, to being married, to being single.  Let's just say that these past couple of years have been a whirlwind.  When I look back on these two years there's something that I just have to remember (again), I have value.  As far as work goes, I have pretty much decided what I am going to do about it and of course it means going back to school (where I'm sure I'll be one of the oldest people in my classes, but so what?).  As far as my personal life goes, it's more complicated.  I can't stop being me.

I am a kind person.  Quirky.  Idiosyncratic (one of my favorite words).  I'm kind of strange.  I like myself that way.  I'm not the type of person who gives up on others, if they mean something to me.  In fact, giving up on somebody leaves such a distaste in my mouth that it actually makes me a little bit nauseated.  However, there comes a point when I have to take a step back and realize that I can't forsake myself for the sake of a friend, a lover, a husband, or for anybody.  I can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.  I've come to this realization before.  This isn't new, and it isn't even a very original problem.  It's a work in progress, just like life.  I can't change who I am, and I refuse to become so jaded that I don't recognize myself.  I just have to remember as I'm going through this process:  I have value.

I saw a praying mantis today.  I haven't seen one since I was in kindergarten.  It managed to crawl from the window of my car to the roof of my car while I was driving.  I thought it would fly away or get blown away while I was driving, but no.  I stood there staring at this creature for a minute, probably in the same way I know I did when I was five.  These are majestic looking creatures that can easily be mistaken for a leaf.  You've got to love the camouflage.  I'm not the biggest nature person, and I most certainly am not a bug person, but this insect looked... serene and peaceful.  That's not a feeling I associate with insects very often, and frankly if it had been on the inside of my car I would most likely have felt quite differently towards it, maybe even homicidal.  However, it was of the roof and I was just standing there watching it.  I wonder what it would feel like to be an insect, so small that almost anything can crush you.  Imagine the inferiority complex that would come with.. I don't know, being a lady bug.  Not only are you really small, but you have a silly name.  What if you're  a male lady bug and still called a lady, what would that do to your self esteem?

I'm being silly, I know.  This bug just made me think about life and how delicate it is and how fragile the balance.  He stood on my car and hung on, made it work for him.  That's a pretty good analogy for life actually.  Hang on and make it work.  What else can you do besides give up?

I want to know why you did it.  What made you think that it was ok?  I want to know how you could do something like this, something that hurt me so much.  Did you think of me and just not care, or did you stop thinking of me altogether?  I'm not sure which I would find worse actually.  I want to know how this happend, and the big question, why?  I want to know why I'm sitting here by myself wondering what happened.  I want to know so many things that I'll never know the answers to.

I know that life goes on.  I know that I'll be ok.  I know that I'll feel normal again some day.  Right now though I'm lost and alone, still in shock.  Thinking.  Thinking of the 'would have beens' and the 'should have beens'.  Remembering our life, my life, looking back and most of all still thinking, "why?"

Apparently, I've been away from my blog for so long, that blogger has completely changed the format on me.  I guess that makes sense, I mean the old format didn't always work especially well.

Anyway...

I'm still looking for a job.  While I would find it interesting to work in the publishing field, it seems less and less likely that this is going to happen.  I stayed at my old job for the summer.  It was basically full time work for two months, which in this economy is definitely better than nothing.  I forgot how much I actually like working with kids, the more interesting kids anyway.  Of course I had my favorites, we all do, and we almost never agree on which kids are the favorites, so it usually works out that each group of kids is favorited by a counselor or two, nobody left out.

Like I mentioned in my last entry, it was easy to slip back into my old position.  Is that really so bad?  If that particular job and hours were not just seasonal, I would have no problem doing it.  Of course, that's not the case.

I'm looking forward getting a full time job, whatever it is.  Being home all day, even if I'm not, is boring.  I have all this pent up energy and nowhere to expel it.  I did work today.  From 9:30 to 11:00, and then I was asked to babysit for an hour.  All in all, I left work at about 1pm.  I was home by 2pm.  What did I do at home?  I looked for jobs.  I applied to a few.  I made dinner (so we ate early), and then...

Rich got home shortly after 5pm, and we ate before 6pm.  We went for a brief walk after dinner and I've just been sitting here with my pent up energy looking for an outlet.  I haven't done much writing lately, and I haven't drawn anything lately (that's actually been a few years), I haven't really done any photography lately either.  Does all that mean I found something to do?  Other than writing in my blog, I don't plan on writing anything else today.  I can't seem to find my drawing pad (which is fine with my at the moment), and there really isn't good enough lighting in here at night to start photographing things.  Oh well, I'll figure something out.

Anyone read any good books lately?

Today I took a step back into the past.  I was teaching the Montessoi kids gym today.  I forgot just exactly how obnoxious and incredibly loud they are.  I also forgot how even though they annoy the crap out of me, I really do like the majority of them.  They aren't bad kids, just aggravating when you have to deal with a dozen or so of them at the same time.  I haven't seen these kids for a about a year, they've all grown.  It really is amazing to watch puberty hit.  I noticed that some of the boys voices are starting to change, and some of the girls have gained some.... puberty weight.  You gotta love that awkward age.

I noticed that it would be really easy for me to slip back into my old job, almost as if the last year hadn't happened.  I feel competent and secure as the gym teacher.  There's no challenge anymore.  There's nothing new to learn from the position.  I'm good at it, and there's nothing wrong with that.  I miss the challenge.  I don't think it's a bad thing to feel comfortable in your job, but only if it's a career.  If it's a job... something needs to change.  I need to push myself, and I need to decide what course my professional life is going to take.  It's a hard decision to make, but it's got to be done.

My oh my, it has been a while since I've written in my blog hasn't it?  My normal excuse is that nothing is happening, so I have nothing to write.  My excuse this time is somewhat different.

On April 2nd, I was informed that my office was restructuring and that my position was no longer going to be required, as is.  I was told they were looking to hire an experienced book keeper rather than an overall receptionist.  They had been training me in Quickbooks recently, but from what I was told they needed someone who could take daily control of the finances.  Apparently, paying the bills and entering received bills doesn't quite count.  It's okay, maybe it was time to move on anyway.

My life is in a sort of flux at the moment.  I know what skills I possess, I'm just not sure how best to put them to use.  I can be a good administrative assistant.  I have the skills for the job and I do not mind doing the work.  What I'd love to do is find an administrative position in a.... different environment.  My previous position was in New York's Diamond District.  While I have no problem with the district, my company was so small that a lot of the time I was in the office alone.  Again, this wouldn't really have been a problem if my computer had speakers.  There's something very depressing about sitting in an office for up to nine hours alone, in silence.

Ideally, I would love to find a job in the field of publishing, even an administrative job.  Publishing encompasses so many fields, including the two I am most passionate about: children's literature and photography.  It's also a tremendously hard field to break into, as I'm finding out.  I won't give up though.  I know I'm meant to be in the publishing field somehow, some way.   

I have to leave for work in about ten minutes, so this is going to be a short entry.

I had a dream last night that a friend of mine died.  Scene 1.  He came to visit us, or we went to visit him, not sure which.  Him coming here makes more sense because other friends were in the dream, as well as some relatives.  I don't think it was supposed to be NY though.  It was just a familiar place, or maybe even just familiar people around me.  The dream did have a kind of... road trip feel to it.  Anyway, husband and I were spending time with my friend, N&C, Dev and her family, and my Uncle N was there too.  I know I'm forgetting some people....  I'm not sure what we were doing, but we had plans for the day.  Definite plans.  The first part of the dream that I remember was standing in a parking lot talking to my friend.  We were all happy.  No idea why we were hanging out in a parking lot.  We all went somewhere.  It was very warm.  We were walking around what could have been a Barnes&Noble, or an old house.  It's possible those were two different parts of the dream.  There was a book store and there was also a small too warm house.  I was talking with N.  When we all reconvened outside by the car, my friend wasn't there.  I asked Husband where he was and was told that he had died.  In a dream like way, I was the only one upset and surprised.  It seemed that everyone has had known, which was why N was supposed to keep me distracted in B&N.

Scene 2.  We were going to court to view a hearing.  Like watching Court TV live.  Dev and her family were very into it.  Come to think of it, my mother and step father were there as well.  Instead of long benches, or pews, that people sit on in court there were a bunch of mismatched arm chairs.  Husband and I had to get up a few times because other people wanted our seats.  I'm not sure what the "hearing" was about, I'm not even sure if we stayed for it, but it had something to do with my dead friend.

Scene 3.  Husband and I were driving an old silver car.  He was driving.  We had to pull over for some reason and happened to see an orthodox man and woman running towards a hospital we had just passed.  They were carrying their little daughter horizontally and pulling her throat down a little bit.  The little girl was choking, except, I don't think there was any sound coming from her in the dream.  They were running on the side of the road where husband had just pulled over.  We were already in the bushes and they couldn't get around us.  Someone, not sure if it was husband or not slapped the little girl on the back, hard, and she stopped choking. 

At this point, I can't remember any more of the dream, but everything was very detailed.  The parking lot, the house/courthouse, the book store, the leaves on the bush.  I don't think I've ever had a dream where someone just died before.  I wonder what that was all about...

When I woke up the cat was on top of the TV, on top of the cable box, staring at me.  Yup.

I'm doing it again.  Neglecting my blog.  I do care about it, but mostly I wonder if anyone reads it.  I'm really not sure since hardly anyone ever comments.  Does that matter though?  I mean, I write in this thing more as a catharsis for myself and less as a means of communication with the world.  However, the fact of the matter is that since this is a blog and not a private journal, I do expect it to get read and dissected by others, whether they know me or not.   Do I do my part?  Not really.  There are a couple of blogs that I follow, when I remember to.  Do I comment?  Nah.  I can understand why people don't comment on my page, yet, when someone I know in the real world tells me that they know I have a blog and just doesn't read it...  I'm not insulted exactly, but maybe... bewildered.  Why not just not mention it?

Again, I am sitting here at work, eagerly awaiting departure time.  I make it sound like I'm waiting for a plane.  I have about a half hour until I can leave.  Not so long.  I should download another book before I get on the train.  My ipod is dead and sitting on the coffee table at home, that won't help with my commute.  Fortunately, getting home is just a slight nuisance, not pure torture like it is for others.  I've got to say though, that while the travel isn't long, standing on a packed train, is really not very much fun.  Especially, when there's nothing to hold and you keep falling into other people.  My favorite is when you're standing in one spot and you have to shift to let someone pass you and then your shifted spot is not your permanent spot.  The shifted spot is always less comfortable than the original.  For me it usually involves being in someone's armpit.  I'm not a fan of the armpit.  It's just... not a very attractive part of human anatomy, and let's face it; the armpit has a tendency to stink.  Since this is winter, I'm spared the naked pit for the most part, but there are always people...

Okay, I'm nauseating myself.  Plans for the weekend anyone?  I still have to write thank you notes.  I know, I know, I'm evil.  I just haven't had time.  It requires concentration and uninterrupted time.  Time is the word of the day.  I wish I had more of it.  Or, rather, I wish I was able to use the majority of my day more productively.  Oh woes me.  Blah.  I'm tired.