It's 103 degrees right now, I just thought I'd mention that.

People can be so unbelievably cruel and not even know it.  Controlled and manipulated we go throughout our day, our lives.  We believe one set of instructions, set of rules, and we follow them, whether they're good or not.  You know that old saying, "if (enter name) told you to jump off a bridge would you do it?"  Well, we're all supposed to say no, obviously, jumping off a bridge would not be a great idea.  However, if the right person who had been conditioning you for years, asked you that question...  I bet a lot more people would say yes than we'd like to think.  

We are remarkably weak as a species.  We seek out strength, we are drawn to it, like the cavemen were drawn to women with a child bearing body type.  We have very little control over our emotion and when pushed, our emotions get the better of us.  We reach out and burn our remaining calm and let anger take over us.  The anger makes us strong and it makes others vulnerable in our wake.  We strive to control, until our anger is released.  The anger is never gone though, just depleted momentarily, or displaced.  We've made someone else angry and the whole cycle begins anew with a different person until it comes back to us.  The cycle of anger.

We need one another yet we push each other away, it's really remarkable that anybody is happy in this world, utterly remarkable.

Macbeth, by William Shakespeare

First Witch

Thrice the brinded cat hath mew'd.

Second Witch

Thrice and once the hedge-pig whined.

Third Witch

Harpier cries 'Tis time, 'tis time.

First Witch

Round about the cauldron go;
In the poison'd entrails throw.
Toad, that under cold stone
Days and nights has thirty-one
Swelter'd venom sleeping got,
Boil thou first i' the charmed pot.

ALL

Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.

Second Witch

Fillet of a fenny snake,
In the cauldron boil and bake;
Eye of newt and toe of frog,
Wool of bat and tongue of dog,
Adder's fork and blind-worm's sting,
Lizard's leg and owlet's wing,
For a charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.

ALL

Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

Third Witch

Scale of dragon, tooth of wolf,
Witches' mummy, maw and gulf
Of the ravin'd salt-sea shark,
Root of hemlock digg'd i' the dark,
Liver of blaspheming Jew,
Gall of goat, and slips of yew
Silver'd in the moon's eclipse,
Nose of Turk and Tartar's lips,
Finger of birth-strangled babe
Ditch-deliver'd by a drab,
Make the gruel thick and slab:
Add thereto a tiger's chaudron,
For the ingredients of our cauldron.

ALL

Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

 (http://shakespeare.mit.edu/macbeth/macbeth.4.1.html)

standing packed like a sardine in a can
nowhere to sit, standing with arms in your face
minty breath and bad odors
pushing through the crowds to get out
freedom.

heat hits your face as you walk down the block
smoke travels up through your nose into your nostirls
people walking, shoving
crowds moving
impatient.

sun blasts down on you making your skin warm
cold air erupts from open doorways
always moving, never standing still
bypassing those who just stop as if stuck in the ground.

heels clicking
tight skirts
long perfect legs
bright hazy concrete burning your eyes.

Gold, we buy gold!
Diamonds, lady need a diamond!
no questions
just yelling, selling
work.

Like I said yesterday, friendship is an interesting question.  We all need love and companionship to survive, everyone.  Anyone who says they don't is either lying or in serious denial.

What does being a friend mean?

• someone who listens
• someone who is there for you, whether you're having a bad day or not
• someone who doesn't mind hearing about your day
• someone who you can share your secrets with
• someone who you can trust to keep your secrets
• someone who will tell you when you are just plain wrong
• someone who you can talk to about anything

A friend is basically a platonic version of your significant other, but maybe with more honesty, since we tell our friends things about our significant others.  We all need someone to complain to.  A friend is an important part of life, and sometimes, it's very hard to find a good one.  Try and keep them close.

Friendship is an interesting question.  How do we know who our real friends are?  Is there even such a thing in a friendship?  People change over their life time, is it possible for us to keep the same friends?  I think I have had, since childhood, about ten close friends, not all at the same time.  I'm also not including family in this grouping.  Of those ten people, how many of them do I still talk to?  Maybe four or five, but they are not all still very close to me.  I would say that at the moment I have two friends who I see on a regular basis and whom I can talk to.

I never expect friendships to last forever.  But, it makes me sad that they don't.  Am I going to be able to rely on the same people I have now, in ten years?  How about five years?  Will I still even be talking to them?  Life changes in unexpected ways.  One never knows what tomorrow will bring.

I'd say generally speaking there is a leader friend and follower friend.  I am a follower.  Yes, I have opinions, but I'd say I leave plans up to other people, I very rarely make people do things they don't want to do and when I do, I feel guilty about it.  I don't care what the general population thinks about me, but I do care what my friends think of me.  I am easy to speak to and have a tendency to be the listener of the group, even though sometimes, I can't shut up.  Do we all sensor our thoughts and emotions with our friends?  I do.  I think it's a good practice.  We have a billion thoughts coming into our heads all the time, if we said everything we thought, whether it be nice or not, the world would be a much noisier place.

I know I'm rambling and not making the most sense in the world, I am just trying to do a study of friendship.  I'll probably continue later.

Last night I guess you could say I had my first taste of NYC fancy nightlife.  I went to an Andy Warhol book signing/cocktail party.  Actually, the author of the book was stuck in a dark corner behind some curtains and looked really sad.  My friends and I didn't even notice he was there until we were leaving.  I've decided that the party was supposed to be a type of party Andy Warhol would have thrown.  While we were expecting art, or some semblance of art, we were instead inundated by performance artists.  They were definitely interesting, or should say their costumes were interesting, since I didn't talk to them, I really can't be sure how interesting they actually are.  They looked like they were having fun though, so that was cool.  There was one guy rolled up on the floor, he was the human rug, and he wanted people to walk on him and jump up on down on him.  I did not do it, although two of my friends did.

We actually spent the majority of the evening outside on the patio, just sitting with our own little group talking.  It was fun, but we could have just as easily been sitting together in a restaurant.  There was no mingling, which is fine with me, I'm not a mingler.  There as no dancing, which I think certain people were disappointed with, but again, I'm not a dancer, so I was ok.

We left the party around 12:30 I guess and between certain people (you know who you are!) wanting dinner,  slow moving trains, and uncomfortable shoes, I didn't get home until about 3:30am.  Considering I didn't go to sleep until my friend told me he was home (about 4am), and I woke up at 7:30am, I'm surprisingly functional today, just tired.

The only part of the evening I was not thrilled with was the constant "Where are you?" texts from my mother.  I told her I was going out, I told her I was going to be home late.  Granted I was out later than I thought I would be, but I still told her about this.  I told her I who I was with, I told her one of my friends ( a guy) was going to bring me home.  This was not enough for her, she just kept texting me.  I understand that she was worried, but there was no reason she should have been.  I was texting her back and forth all night, unwillingly, telling her where I was at that particular moment all evening, until I got in the train.  I get it, she's a mother, she's also a natural worrier.  However, I have never given her reason not to trust me and would therefore like a little slack.  Is this what's it's going to be like when I move out?  Is she going to monitor where I am all the time?  I'm getting married in 42 days!  You'd think I was an adult... oh wait, I am.

I do not believe that a the very root of humanity, we are all good with pure souls.  I also don't believe that we are all evil.  There is a fine line between being a good person and doing good things.  To me, being a good person involves trying to live your life well, and being the best you, that you can be.  Obviously, if what you like to do is kill people, then doing the best you can, in that scenario, would not make much of a difference, you still would most definitely not be a good person.

I find that most people do good things to get rewarded, which would mean that we do "good" for our own personal gain.  Is there really anyone out there that on some level does not want to get rewarded for their actions?  If that is the case, can there be a pure motive for being a good person?  Should there be?  Does the reason matter if the good deed gets done anyway, or is the good within the deed nullified because of the motivation behind it?  I know these are not unique questions, nor will I come up with unique answers.  I find myself pondering on it though as I think of what's going on in my own life and the excuse, "I was just following orders."

If someone you care about tells you to do something that you know is wrong, and possibly hurtful, do you do it anyway out of loyalty, or do you stand your ground and make your own decision based on what you feel to be right?  Which of these actions would make you a "good person?"  Should that even be a consideration?  Sine this is my blog, I suppose I should offer an answer to these questions, although honestly, there is no one right answer for me or for anybody else.  Nothing is cut and dry like that, and if you think it is, you're probably not especially intelligent.

My personal belief is that you should not do something purely out of loyalty.  You should consider the situation and make an informed decision based on all available facts.  Listen to both sides of the argument, and figure out what you believe to be right.  That's what I meant earlier by trying to be the best you, that you can be.  The decision that you make, might not be the same decision that your friend would make, or your mother would make, or your brother would make.  Does it matter?  To the universe, our individual decisions are probably not worth very much.  However, to our universe, our existence, each decision we make forms our personality and forms new realities with which we have to live.  There is a consequence to every action, and we have to be prepared for that.  Whatever the choices are, and whatever we decide, we must stay true to ourselves.  As long as we do that, the question of being a good person should not even come up.

I know that my job in life is not to save everybody.  I am the type of person who is very loyal to my friends and when something happens to one of them... I feel it.  I'm not the most sympathetic person in the world, but I am incredibly empathetic.  I don't show it outwardly all the time, not to everyone, if fact, I think I generally come across as stoic, I've been told heartless.  It's an appearance, a front.  I don't like people to know I'm feeling emotions.  I don't know why.  Maybe it's because my family was never overly demonstrative.  I think it's better that way actually, but that's another story.

My point is that what my friends are feeling, I feel too.  I also intuit emotions, so that even if they aren't outwardly showing something is bothering them, I'm likely to know there is something whether I say anything about it or not.  Right now, my stomach is in knots of worry.

There are some people that can take care of themselves, they might go through a rough patch every now and then, but they'll manage to get through it.  Then there are the people who need help getting through life, but are able to accept help from friends and/or family.  It's the third group I worry about most, people who desperately need help, but don't take it, don't want it, and won't accept it when offered.  I know there's nothing I can do about this third group, but still... there's always a chance...

I know my job in life is not to save everybody, but maybe...