Well, I'm home again. The rest of my trip was pretty uneventful. We went to Sacramento, as I mentioned. We spent one full day there, in which we practically didn't go out of the house. After all the traveling we had been doing it was very nice to just sit around and talk, not do much of anything. I got to meet the remainder of my step family. The kids are so sweet, and so cute. They are very smart also. I've always wanted to have some sort of extended family, and now I do, : )

Anyway, as I said the trip back wasn't much to talk about. We got on one plane after the other. I've got to say, O'Hare airport, is fn huge! There was so much crap there, stores upon stores. Food everywhere, except where we had to go. I think we basically walked throught the entire place. My mother said we ended up in the "armpit" of the place. Lol. I think that was a pretty good description. We were almost fogged in again, but we made it just before the fog completely covered everything. Which was really a great thing, because I don't think I could've taken much more crap from the weather and the airlines. I got my freind a couple of things, one is a shot glass that says "the governator" on it, with a picture of eveyones famous terminator/governor, Arnold.

I am just so glad to be home. I got to sleep in my own bed last night, in my own crappy room, it was great. didn't wake up until 2:00pm. I have an excuse though. After we got home, about 11:00pm, we went out again to find some food, since we really hadn't eaten anytihng. However, most things were closed. We tried going to two different Italian restaurants, but they both said that the cooks were no longer there. We ended up in a local diner, it was ok, at least they had food. So we didn't get home again until around 1:00am maybe.

It's just too bad that I am going to be displaced agian. My room is going under construction soon, and therefore I cant live in it for about a week, once they start. I'm going to have to go live at my Dad's house with my cat. Cat's already there actually, since my dad was taking care of him while we were in CA. My little Daniel does not take kindly to being moved around, he's very sensitive to it. So, now that he's fianlly almost comfortable there, I'm not uprooting him until I have to.

So that's life over here. Happpy New Year!!!

Ok, So I'm in California right now. It's so far been one bad adventure to the next. You know Murphy's Law, the one that states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong? Well, that's what has been happening to us. The actual visiting and vacationing that we're doing has been just fine. My stepsister even bought me a pair of sunglasses on Rodeo Dr! Lol. However, the airports were horrible. We were supposed to leave Laguardia at 10:00am on Christmas Day. We didnt get out of that airport until about 8:30pm that evening. There was a shroud of heavy fog covering New York, so no planes were landing or taking off. There were announcments every 15 minutes or so saying, "All flights are subject to delays and/or cancellations." So, we didnt even know if we were going to be able to come at all after all that waiting! Also, we did not have a direct flight into LA, so becasue of the delays in NY, we missed our first connecting flight. So our luggage was supposed to be taken off the first plane and put on the second, but we didnt know if it actually would be. We thought we'd might be one of those ppl who gets there luggage sent back to them a year later with an apology note from the airport. However, that didnt happen, lol. We thought it did, because it was not at bagggage claim with everyone elses, in fact I'm not sure where it came off of, but we did get it. Because of all the trouble gettting us a connecting flight, Delta was kind enough to stick us in first class from Cinncinatti to LA. The only real difference was that the seats were bigger, and there was more room to stretch out our legs, besides that though, it really wasnt a big deal. We didnt get anything that the other passengers did not get, we just got stuff first. Come to think of it, the stewardesses kept ignoring me, so if I wanted something I had to yell in their faces, lol. I finally go to see "Cinderella Man" on the plane. It's just one of the movies I've been wanting to see and never got a chance to.

Anyway, we slept in LA for two nights. We visited family, and saw some sights. I got to see the Hollywood sign form afar, lol. We went shopping on Rodeo Dr., drove through Beverly Hills (my mom kept saying, "Beverly Hills 90210, like the show, which she has never seen!). We went to Santa Monica, and just wandered around in general seeing the sights, it was fun. By the way, my step neice is the cutest thing on the planet. Not only is she gorgeous, but she is soooo smart! She understands everything you say to her, and she's not even quite 18 mos. old yet! She's really absolutely precious. Her parents were great hosts, patiently showing us things they see everyday of their lives. We also got to see my other step sister and her husband, which was nice becasue we haven't seen them since they moved from NY to CA.

Right now I'm sitting in my second hotel room in Sacramento, visiting my third and last stepsister. We took another plane from LA to here. The flight was ok, nothing special to complian or relate. We did again think that we lost our luggage. Actually, while we were going through the metal detectors at security, all the gaurds all yelled "Bravo!!!" and called a lock down. They all went sprinting off in various directions. Nothing actually happened, but I've never seen tht many people get that quite so quickly. The only person moving around talking was my stepdad, and ghe hadnt heard them yell lockdown. So he went up to one of the remaining gaurds, and said, "what's this all about?" The gaurd sort of growled and told him to basically mind his own business. That was the most exciting part of our airport experience today. We also went through the rental of cars twice, which was interesting. Everything just takes soooo long. Our airplane landed around 12:00am. Now it's 3:20am, and we only got here about 45minutes ago. At home right now it's 6:20am. Wow, its late in either state. So, I'm going to go to sleep. I'll stick some pictures of Cali. in here next time, and my neice. She's soooooo cute!!!!!!!

Confusion



confusion is the route of all evil
i thought it was religion
i was wrong

cofusion is the route of all evil
i thought it was guns
i was wrong

confusion is the route of all evil
i thought it was entropy
i was wrong

confusion is the route of all evil

the light comes and shines new hope on this day
today will be the day i say
today will be the day.

the light comes and shines new hope on this day
i will be victorious this day i say
i will be victorious

the light comes and shines new hope on this day
i will be glorious this day i say
i will be glorious

the light withers and dims hope on this day
today will not not be the day i say
today will not be the day

the light withers and dims hope on this day
i will not be victorious, glorious this day i say
today will not be the day.

This is a conversation that took place between me and a former friend at the end of November. Any guys out there reading this, here is an example of what not to do. To any girls out there reading this, here is an exapmle of what not to take from a guy, or anyone for that matter. I added the lettter to the conversation afterwards, obviously.



Alphbert (2:13:35 AM): HEY
Alphbert (2:13:37 AM): HEY
Moi (2:13:49 AM): Hi
Alphbert (2:13:57 AM): how you doin
Alphbert (2:14:03 AM): im tipsy
Alphbert (2:14:08 AM): so how is your boobs
Alphbert (2:14:17 AM): good ?
Alphbert (2:14:25 AM): let meet now and boink

(it went on like that for a while, you can imagine the rest.)

This next part is a letter I wrote to "Alphbert".

I want you to read that, pretending you were me. Then tell me I’m overreacting. Alphbert, I liked you, I trusted you. And you have so far treated me like shit. You cancelled on me twice, and just plain old stood me up once before we met. You then told me that you didn’t think we could have a relationship because I was too quiet. I didn’t argue the point with you. Then you contacted me again, you said something like you missed me. Fine. So we talked for a while. We never went out again. You were always busy, or something came up. But we still talked. I never did know whether you were lying about being busy, or you really were. I chose to believe you, because I liked you. Fine.

For some reason, I still trusted you. Then last night you popped up on my screen. You told me you had been drinking, and that you were tipsy. I didn’t doubt that. I still believe there was alcohol involved. You talked to me as if I were a paid whore, paid to listen to the garbage you were spitting out. The fact that you told me today that your friend was over at your house encouraging this act of stupidity, just makes it worse. How dare you talk to me that way. But to do it, with someone else sitting right there is even more disgusting. And to have the gall to be annoyed at me, for being mad at you, takes real chutzpah. It doesn’t matter how comfortable you think we are with each other, that type of dehumanizing and objectifying of women, of me, is disgusting. I seriously hope you can get that through your thick skull. You don’t even stay around long enough to be yelled at. I sat there and listened to all your shit, although I was planning to block your IM address if you said one more filthy word. Today you said you were busy and couldn’t talk anymore, oh please. You don’t have the courage of your convictions. You are neurotic. You are a liar. Sometimes, you are an asshole. However, mostly, you are a coward.

Oh yeah, one more thing, just a little tip. You ever do this to a girl again, don’t tell her your friend was there, and if you already told her you were drunk, just go with it. Don’t admit that you weren’t really all that drunk, that just makes it worse. At least if you’re drunk you have an excuse, and the possibility of forgiveness.

DISCLAIMER: THIS IS NOT REAL, THIS IS A STORY. IT HAS BEEN CONTINUED UP TO A POINT, BUT IS NOT COMPLETE, TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK...


What do I want to do with my life? What does anybody do? They get born, they live, and they die. The first and last part are beyond their control, but it’s that pesky middle part that gets a person into trouble. Personally, I have no fucking idea what I want to do for the rest of my life. All I know is that I don’t want to be bossed around, be bored, and I don’t want to have to deal with stupid people. That leaves out so many things! I can’t own a store, I can’t be a teacher, I can’t... Come to think of it, with those requirements I can’t do anything. Oh well I guess it’s time to move on to the final part of life. Death. Just kidding, don’t want to die just yet. What I do want to do is finish with school. I’m so sick of it. Once you get out of high school, they tell you life is supposed to begin, but it doesn’t, it’s just more of the same shit! The way my life is going I feel like I’ll be in school for the rest of my days on this planet. The only thing I have any talent for is telling stupid little quips of jokes, and writing. Oh yeah, and working with children. So what can I do with that information? Nothing. All it tells me is that my destiny is to either be a teacher, a stand up comic (yeah right!), or a writer. None of which I want to do, at least not for the rest of my life. I already ruled out teacher, so I guess I have to either be a comic, or a writer. If you’re a comic you have to deal with stupid people, so according to my requirements I can’t do that. so what have I decided? To be a writer? I’m not original enough. Everything has been done to death, there really are no new possibilities. To create new ones the human race has to die out and a new race begin, that’s also been done to death. Ironic huh? Maybe not.
Anyway, to figure out what I want to do first I have get the hell out of here. You see I’m stuck. My foot’s stuck in this fucking boot and I can’t get it out! Just kidding. The truth is that I am trapped, but I’m not sure where. Not physically by the way, I’m not being restrained or anything. Seriously, what did you think I was going to say, “Help, I’m being beaten to death rescue me!” That is so mundane. I’m speaking mental anguish here, true torture. I am so bored with life, I can’t think of anything to make it more endurable. At least not in a way I would enjoy. I could get ripped out of my gorde, but what would be the point? I could try drugs, but I don’t want to be one of those stupid people I hate so much, so no. I could quit my job, drop out of school and bum around the country, or maybe Europe! I could go to Paris and study abroad, learn french! I could go to Switzerland and ski the Swiss Alps, I could... Caught you. You thought I was serious didn’t you, thought I was getting all excited about something didn’t you. Well think again, I don’t get excited that easily. That of course is partially the problem. I don’t get excited easily. I am not passionate about anything. If I were then I wouldn’t have the problem of not knowing what to do with my life, the middle part that is. I have the end all planned. I won’t tell you about that though, you’ll just have to be surprised at my funeral like the rest of the world. Sorry.

A few years ago, there was a kid where I work named Bugsy (or that's just what I'm going to call him anyway). He was a very smart kid, precocious even. He was a perfectionist. If he didn't get something right it would bother him, and bother him, until he got it right. That isn't always a bad thing, it can be good, but there are limits to everything. Here is an example: I was teaching the kids how to do pull over's on the uneven bars (for those of you who aren't aware of gymnastics terms, that just means pulling yourself onto the bar by flipping under it first, it's a basic bar skill). None of the kids can do this right away, because they need to learn how to distribute their weight and other things like that. When it came to Bugsy's turn, he almost did it, a little better than everybody else, but still couldn't quite get himself over the bar. So I said, "That was a really great try Bugsy, you'll get it next time." Then I told him to go sit down and to wait for his next turn. He wouldn't budge until I let him try again. He had this face that he made, it was somewhere between determination and trying not to cry. Finally he ended up being able to do it, after many tries, and truthfully, I almost threw him over the bar by myself, he didn't have enough strength to do it himself after trying so many times.

One day he came into class, and there was obviously something bothering him. When questioned he wouldn't tell anybody what was wrong, but he was half crying throughout the whole class. We were on vault, doing speed exercises. The whole point was that they had to land on their feet. He fell. We also had them doing dive rolls afterwards to keep them occupied a bit longer before they had to return to sitting and waiting for their turn. He was upset already, then he was upset because he fell. When he came to do the dive roll, something he usually does very well, he stumbled and rolled off the mat. He wasn't hurt, just a little more shaken than he already was. Apparently that was the last straw, he got up and ran out of the gym and into the hall crying. I would have left him alone for a few minutes, but we're not allowed to let the kids out of the gym, so I went after him. He was just sitting there crying. I got him up and told him to get a drink. Then I walked back in to the gym with him, sat him down on the bleachers, away from everybody else. I said, "Bugsy, what's wrong?" He started rambling on about how horrible he was at everything, how stupid he was, how he couldn't do anything right. I never did find out what was bothering him that day. I tried to negate the statements he was making about himself the best I could, but I doubt I made any impression. He seemed to feel better at the end of his tirade and returned to class.

That was the first day that I thought about becoming a psychologist. I wanted to know why someone that young could have such a low opinion of himself. I wanted to know how to help him. I wanted to know who had made him be that self deprecating. I wanted to know what was going on in his mind. I still don't know what I want to be, but I am still thinking about being a child psychologist. Just a story. Just talking. Ignore me, I make no sense, lol.

To be honest, there are something in life that come very easily for me. Academically speaking, I do not have to try very hard to do well in most liberal arts classes. I haven't even opened my sociology text book more than three times this term and I will probably get a good grade in the class. Some things I am bad at include learning languages and most mathematical subjects. I know that I'm just bad at math, and I cannot really do anything about it. However, I'm sure that if I tried harder with language, I can be proficient in at least one other than English. My point is that even if something doesn't come easily, it doesn't mean that your stupid, or slow, just that you need to work a little more than you are perhaps used to, it's not a bad thing, just a thing. It's also hard to do.
I never thought of myself as having especially high self esteem. I berate myself, put myself down, and am generally self deprecating when the mood strikes, just like anyone else. However, I try to be honest with myself as much as possible. I have a few friends who it is truly hard to listen to sometimes, painful, to hear them be so incredibly down on themselves. I really do not understand it. Most of my friends, if not all, and incredibly smart people, all in their own ways. I hate when they tell me things like, "I'm ugly, I'm stupid, I can't do anything right." Most usually, it's not even true. People need to adjust their attitudes and opinions of themselves. I've noticed that the smarter a person is the more neurotic, more self deprecating, and more down on themselves they are; especially if they're Jewish (I'm Jewish I can say that :-). So basically, the less you think of yourself, the smarter you are. That is said in a jocular manner, however there is a grain of truth in it.
Ok, so I said I was honest with myself, here is what I think: I try not to lie to myself, as much as humanly possible. I think I am not the prettiest person on the planet, but I'm not hideous either. I'm intelligent but somewhat lazy. I don't like working hard, but it depends on what I'm doing. I don't like joining things or being around a lot of people, which can be a downfall. At the moment I am incredibly conflicted about my life, I don't know what I want to do. I think people should go to college, but I don't think it's right for everybody, and I might be one of those people. I'm a mass of contradictions, I know. I see very little point in life, which I hope is something I get over soon. I don't trust doctors, I believe in ghosts, and I think that homoeopathy works.
My point is that everybody is different. Everyone has their own little idiosyncrasies, nobody is perfect. I just don't like people being self deprecating, it's a waste of time, and very often peoples self image of themselves is faulty anyway. So there!