Today is not a very good day.  I feel isolated, even when I'm with other people.  I miss being able to see my friend.  She hasn't been available lately.  It's not her fault, she started school again.  It's hard to go back to school.  I've done it before, it's hard to get back into the swing of things.  For me it was undergrad, for her, it's more of a graduate class.

There are just times you want someone to vent to, and I don't feel like I've been able to vent properly lately.  I always get the impression that people are interested in spending time with me, more because they need someone to vent to.  They don't seem to care especially what's on my mind.  Obviously, it depends on the person.  Some people are more interested than others.

Honestly, I think I prefer talking about other people's problems rather than dwelling on my own.  I don't think problems should slow you down, you deal with them and move on.  But they have to be dealt with.  I don't know what I'm rambling about.

Yes, I need some girl time.  Maybe that's all I'm talking about.

In other news....

My cat is officially a resident of my apartment.  He's still getting used to it.  I mean it's only been one day.  He'll be fine.  Now I just think I need to get a cat for my mother and step-father...

I did get to Ikea yesterday, but I didn't put any of the furniture together.  I don't want to freak out the cat with the banging and whatnot.  I'll probably do it with husband next weekend.

I guess I'll get back to my weekend.

Danny sitting on the couch for the first time.

I have been sitting alone in an office with only myself for company for a little over two hours.  My sentence is almost up, but I feel like I'm going mad.  I'm talking to myself, singing to myself, and possibly answering myself.  That is a sign of "losing it" right?

I have nothing going through my mind, except wanting to leave.  I am eagerly awaiting the beginning of my weekend.  I have plans.  Supposed plans that most likely the weather will ruin.  I plan to go to Ikea and get a replacement piece of "wood" for a damaged shelving unit.  I plan to buy the night tables that somehow husband and I forgot to get.  I plan to take a look at accent rugs for the bedroom, and I want to look at the fabric that they are selling.  The nautical pillows we got have a matching fabric, which I probably won't get, but will think about getting to cover my blow up chair, so it doesn't look like a blow up chair.  Of course that requires too much effort.  I don't sow, at least not especially well, so I will most likely not be making upholstery.  What else do I want to do at Ikea?  I just want to look at the chachkas.  I want to find the small homey things that it's time to get, now that we're done with major furniture.  The only thing we really have left to get are dining room chairs (which we really don't need right now), and a replacement TV which we can get whenever.  I'm thinking of getting a plant, but I need to make sure it isn't poisonous for the cat.  That leads me to later on...

I am planning on bringing my cat from my mother's place this weekend.  I haven't even seen him in.... two weeks?  I miss him.  I'll be seeing him tonight.  I'll see if he still remembers me.  It hasn't been that long, gotta give him some credit.  He'll be mad at me.  Stick his tail up at me as a rebuff.  Oh well, hopefully he'll get over it.  I miss hugging his furry little body and having him underfoot.  I think he'll like the new apartment.  It's cozy.  Cats like cozy.  True, he can't get under the bed, but hey, there's always his old stand by, closets.  I really can't wait to see him tonight.  I don't like being completely separated from him.  Even when he was living with my father I saw him a few times a week.  Now I never see him.  My mother and step-father are going to miss him.  Maybe I'll get them a cat at some point.  They say they don't want a replacement, but I know they really would love a cat if I got them one.  I hope my cat isn't too lonely in the new apartment, it's really too small for more than one cat.

Anyway, I have successfully rambled long enough, so that now it is time to start getting ready to leave.

Happy snowy weekend!

Recently, I have felt sapped of all creative energy.  Not only haven't I written in my blog, but I haven't continued either of the two stories I am currently in the middle of writing either.  There is a fog hovering over my my brain making movement, i.e. thinking, useless.  I am exhausted when I wake up.  I am exhausted when I go to sleep.  Often, I am exhausted between the two.  Something about fluorescent lighting, harshly painted white walls, and the constant glare of a computer screen do not work together in my favor.

I am lucky to have everything that I do, but there is so much more that I want, more that I expect from myself.  Something doesn't have to be hard to fulfilling, I don't believe that.  Somehow though, it has to hold your interest.  If you are doing something repetitive and completely monotonous, you are either a boring person, or don't see yourself equipped to do something better.  There is of course the other option of having no other choice in the matter.



Truth: a job is not who you are or what you're worth, it's what you do.  It's hard to remember that sometimes.





I wrote this on October 27th and never published it.  Here tis.

To continue my apparent theme of the week...

I had a dream last night about the difficulties of buying a bra.  Yes, friends, a bra.  I know that in the dream I was shopping in an absolutely huge space (for a bra shop).  It reminded me of the layout of a New York & Co. store actually.  It was very bright, with overhead fluorescent lighting and very large windows that sun was pouring into.

I had brought an old bra with me to forgo the formalities.  I came to buy, not shop.  I handed the woman my old bra and said, "I want to get another one of these.  I'd also like to get it in black."  She just looked at me like I was crazy.  I think it turned out that those bras hadn't been made in years, or something like that.  I had to proceed to look for a completely new style of bra.

The dream was interesting only because it reminded me that I need to get myself to Linda's before the end of the month, since I have voucher that will expire then.  I hope they haven't changed bras too much since the last time I was there.  Maybe all the bras are square now, or made of aluminum.  Who knows?

Ever have a dream about driving?  I dream about it all the time.  Not regularly, but enough for it to be a theme in my night time endeavors.  In my dreams I am usually forced to take the wheel after whoever is driving becomes incapacitated in some way.  Either the person leaves me with the car thinking that there is no way I'll have to drive, or some crazy situation occurs.  I should mention that when I take the wheel, things happen.  Usually the car is going over 90 mph and the brakes don't work.  My job is to make sure I don't crash the car, which is no easy feat when you are plowing through red lights and dodging other cars going at normal speeds.  Parking the car usually involves being on top of another car.  Why this makes sense in the dream, who knows?  In one of these dreams I was forced to drive a car around a never ending amusement park.  At one point the car and I ended up on a carousel and I was forced to jump from one ferris-wheel car to the next as the wheel turned.  Does this make any sense?  No, of course not, it was a dream.  Eventually, I had to "jump" off the carousel onto the roof top of a building.  All of this was happening because, if I remember correctly, there were too many pedestrians on the ground.

My driving dreams all follow the same pattern.  Complete loss of control.  I don't like having control taken away from me.  I don't especially like being told what to do, or how to do things.  This is not news.  I don't mind following along (if what I'm following makes sense), but I do like to have at least some semblance of rationality attached to whatever I am doing.  Maybe that's why I am not the biggest fan of organized religion.  There is no rationality, just traditions and mindless followings.  I know that isn't true for everyone, but I think most of the masses that call themselves religious have never stopped to think about what or why they do the things they do.  Faith, by definition, is not rational.

Dreams are not rational.  They express our inner fears, wants, desires.  They show us things that maybe we would otherwise not think about.  There are those that think dreams have the power to show us glimpses of the future.  Just bits and pieces, something that hasn't happened yet.  I am one of those people.  Is that rational?  Not at all.  I am a mass of contradictions.  I am human.  I generally enjoy dreaming, there is a sense of freedom that comes along with it, a sense of omnipotence perhaps.  In our dreams anything is possible, anything could happen and usually does.  Waking up can be welcome, or it can be a slap in the face-- depends what you've been dreaming about.

(Feel free to analyze my driving dreams for yourself.  No Freudian comments please.)

I had a dream about you the other night.  It made me realize that I haven't seen you in over two years and that I haven't had a real conversation with you in longer.  I have dreamt about you in the past.  Usually, the dreams are cute, funny, and involve a sort of journey.  One of them was at a country house I've never been to or seen.  That dream was full of light and airiness.  We talked.  About what?  I don't remember.  In the more recent dream, it turned out that you had been hiding in plain sight.  I mean hiding, literally.  You were under a blanket on the couch.  My mother pointed you out to me.  You thought I hadn't known you were there, but I did.  You wanted me to leave you alone, so I did.  In this dream, I figured you would come to me when you were comfortable.  My mother blew up your spot though.  You couldn't believe that I had known you were there the whole time, watching, waiting.  I can't remember now if you were mad that I hadn't told you to stop hiding, or grateful that I wanted to let you come out on your own.  I don't remember much more about the dream, only that it was... nice.  It was nice talking to you again, even if the reality was that I was speaking to my own subconscious.

I do wonder where you are, and what you're doing, what's going on in your life.  You have always managed to evoke strong emotions from me, whether happiness, anger, or pure confusion.  One time I was house sitting for my father.  You called me up, which was different in and of itself because you usually didn't call me, and started yelling.  I can't remember what it was about, but I do know that I yelled back.  This happened two times.  Both times I found myself crying, which is something that, at that time, did not happen especially often.  The strange part was that I didn't mind.  You were my friend.  You drove me absolutely crazy, but I still looked forward to the next time I was going to see you or talk to you.

I understand that people grow apart, change.  There's nothing wrong with that.  It can't be helped.  Usually, it's gradual.  Drifting.  This wasn't subtle though.  Sudden.

Where are you?  Are you okay?